Maybe I'd be a little bird,
Residing on my perch.
I'd always be so well behaved,
And often go to church.
Maybe I'd be a little frog,
In my own heated pool.
With lots of squirmy tadpoles
Who would learn in froggy school.
Maybe I'd be a little cat,
And pedicure my paws.
And brush my fur, and floss my teeth,
Whilst varnisning my claws.
Maybe I'd be a little fish,
And circle round my bowl.
My comfy, fishy life would be
Relaxing, on the whole.
Maybe I'd be a little mouse,
And gorge mysrelf on cheese.
Then waddle round the house all day
Too full to even sneeze.
Maybe I'd be a little dog,
I'd sleep most of each day.
From time to time, I'd up and bark,
To keep riff raff away.
Maybe I'd be a little snake,
Not long, but very thin.
So you could make a handbag
Every time I shed my skin.
I'd like to be an animal,
Be, someones pampered pet.
Cos life as homo sapiens
I haven't mastered yet.
In fact there often isn't one
And when you're deep below,
It's difficult to notice if
There's wind or rain or snow.
Now submarines are nuclear
And sail we know not where,
You can't take out a map and say,
Last Tueusday, we were there.
Their voyages last many months
Of claustrophobic Hell,
Imagine all those feet and pits,
The cumulative smell.
The front door doesn't open when
You're underneath the waves.
Cos if it did, the crew would soon
Be washed to watery graves.
You stealth around for months on end,
Top secret, Mums the word.
The Russians? well they've all gone home,
A while ago they heard,
The Cold War ended years ago,
There's no one left to fight.
Perhaps we're floating aimlessly
Around the Isle of Wight.
Yes, maybe that's just where we are,
But then we'd never know.
Because of lack of windows,
We're quite clueless where we go.
I served as a submariner
In underwater crew.
The one thing you can guarantee,
You won't enjoy the view.
It veered to the right
Then went out of sight,
O'er the crest of a very steep hill.
Shot right through the town,
Without slowing down,
Creating one hell of a bill.
And then came the splash,
The Almighty crash,
As the bus came to rest in the lake.
The driver said "Wow,
I'm resigning right now,
That bus didn't have any brake.
In fact, to be brutal,
At time of inter,
Myself, me, yours truly
Was the only one there.
The vicar said "Blimey,
Did he have no mates,
Or is there confusion
Regarding the date?
Can't wait, in a hurry,
I need to get on,
Let's hope all his family
Don't come when we've gone."
Last month I hit the pet shop,
To buy my buck a mate.
I checked the hutch this morning,
And counted twenty eight!!!
Weeks since we've scored
The fans are bored
Our atrikers face the sack.
And every week
More goals we leak
We're hopeless at the back.
We can't attract
The stands aren't packed
Statistics have revealed,
Last game, I guess,
The crowd was less
Than players on the field.
Results are bad,
The worst we've had,
We're stuck in bottom place.
So, much maligned,
We've all resigned,
To lessen the disgrace.
No crash first bend,
My interest ends.
Cos after that,
It's all so flat.
Boredom begins,
Who cares who wins.
My hearings failing badly,
My eyesights waning too.
My pulse is getting weaker,
There's little I can do.
My life is ebbing quickly,
All hope I fear is gone.
It all seems somewhat sudden,
As I'm only twenty one.
The bones she'd put to stockpot
The dog would get them third.
It wasn't called recycling,
Frugality the word.
My pet donkeys
Very wonkey
When he tries to stand.
My pet goat
Will clear his throat,
And sing, from opera grand
Sickening splat,
Knobbly toad's flat
Horrid his fate,
Widowed his mate.