daniel jack

I bought a car the other day,
And drove it to my place.
It broke down after 50 yards,
An absolute disgrace.

I walked back to the garage,
And complained about the car.
They said "The Warrantys run out.
You've driven it too far!!!"

I had a puppy dog,
Who thought he was a frog.
So hopped into a lake,
Which proved a huge mistake.
Cos quite unknown to him,
He hadn't learned to swim.

Up swam a monster pike,
Said,"Hop on if you like,
I'll ferry you to shore,
But please dont come no more

I'm not an avid gardener,
Things I plant never grow,
My garden always looks its best,
The morning after snow.

I'm gridlocked in a traffic jam,,
Completely snookered, so I am.
Be out ten minutes I supposed,
I didn't know the road was closed.

All that was several days ago,
Or so it seems, it's hard to know.
I'll take a nap, please call me when
The traffic starts to move again.

I got the opportunity
To travel round the World.
This verse will make quite clear to you,
The story that unfurled.

I left my house at 12 o'clock,
Went West, as travellers do.
Decided not to hang around,
Was back by half past two.

I holidayed by sandy plains,
In heat oppressive, torrid.
A place it hardly ever rains,
The whole experience horrid.

I holidayed by sandy plains,
Sun scorching from on high.
I'm English, how I love the rain,
And missed it in Dubai.

A nit,and a gnat on a gnu,
Anonymous, lived in a zoo.
The nit got named Nat,
The named the gnat Matt,
But the name of the gnu, no one knew.

Our pet cat brought into the house,
A somewhat dishevelled dead mouse.
The cat, feeling proud,
Stood upright and bowed.
It quite put the wind up my spouse.

It's been a funny day today.
I've not got too much done.
My concentrations been off line,
Lightheadedness has won.

Tomorrow, I will buckle down,
Not let things drift away.
And finish those important tasks
I should have done today.

The problem that will bring of course,
Tomorrows work will be
Put back a further day or more,
And so on, endlessly.

Here's a little piece I wrote,
Reference to the five pound note.
If you're only blessed with one,
Then you're poor, hardship goes on.

If a million you possess,
Then your life has little stress.
If you bank them, by and large,
They'll erode in unfair charge.

Best to keep them in a box,
With your hankies, smalls and socks.
Only you'll know they are there,
Nestling neath your underwear.

Each night when I'm undressed,
I soon become depressed.
My bodys days are done,
The march of time has won.

I have to face the truth,
No longer have I youth.
I'm wrinkled, old and grey,
In total disarray.

The day I lost my glasses
Is a day I won't forget.
It happened 20 years ago,
I haven't found them yet!!

I live all alone,
I'm not illness prone,
I'm healthy and hearty and strong.
It all matters not,
What ills I've not got,
Like you, I'll be gone before long.

Old Beryl from Stow on the Wold,
Her own cigarettes always rolled.
She knew of the peril,
But stubborn cow Beryl,
Kept smoking, just wouldn't be told.

Sitting in a traffic jam,
Motionless for hours I am.
Police in numbers round the scene
Where the incident has been.
Cars, bikes,coaches, buses, trucks,
All interminably stuck.

Anger mounts in all three lanes
Boys in blue play endless games,
Measuring, photographing too,
Traffic they're not letting through.
Doesn't matter, they've all day,
They've no need to get away.

I rushed into the surgery
Was feeling so unwell.
So sure that I was dieing,
As I'd had a dizzy spell.

I gave my name and address,
And was pointed to a seat.
And then was told, "You'll be a while,
We're all rushed off our feet."

I said "I really must insist,
The doctor sees me now"
I don't think I've got long to live,
Please fit me in somehow"

"Ok, wait in reception,and
Someone will call your name.
The doctor then will see you,and,
Attempt to ease your pain."

I sat there all the morning,
And then through the afternoon.
By now in total agony,
They couldn't call too soon.

Hundreds of patients came and went
And others took their place.
I thought it right to hang around,
Cos, maybe,just in case,

Then, glory be, they called my name
A doctor I could see.
To find out what my pain was,and
Just what was wrong with me.

I pointed where the pain was,and
I moaned about the wait.
By now it was quite critical,
Me in a dreadful state.

Doc got his gloves and tweezers,
And my bottom lip did pout.
He said "I think I've got it sussed,"
And pulled the slinter out.

We join our bus
With little fuss
East Europe we shall see.
We're forty four
Booked on our tour
The only Briton, me.

For twenty days
We'll fix our gaze
On artefacts and sights.
We've quite a way
To go each day
A new hotel each night.

As days grind by
There's much to buy
At our predestined stops.
Amazed we are
We've travelled far
But not run out of shops.

We're getting tired,
Goodwill's expired
The last few days to go.
We just can't wait
To abdicate
Our bus, and homeward go.

With false goodbyes
With heartfelt sighs
We head towards our planes
"I'm sorry,mate,
You've too much weight,
You'll need to pack again"

So all unpack
Their present stacks
Decide how much to leave.
Then go on board
Less half their hoard
They never will retrieve.

We joined the bus
With little fuss
And know now its complete.
We forty four
Endured a tour
We never will repeat

There was an old woman named Mo
Who had an enormous big toe.
When Winter came round,
If you looked on the ground,
You could follow her tracks in the snow.

Whilst cruising the Nile,
In opulent style,
Viewing pyramids, camels and Sphinx,
All is going on fine,
Till our boat veers off line,
Hits a rock, then turn s turtle, and sinks.

A woman I know hated fleas,
And spiders, bluebottles and bees.
She sprayed every day,
With repellant fly spray,
Didn't kill them, it just made her sneeze.

A woman I know hated ants.
Could spot one, miles off, at a glance.
So she gathered them up,
In a big paper cup,
And let them float over to France.

The News is live throughout each day,
With stories from all parts.
Essaying greed and violence
And Worldwide broken hearts.

From Rekjavik to Singapore,
From Moscow to L.A.
Some big event will help us through,
And fill the average day.

There's uprising in Pakistan,
And bombing in Baghdad.
And if they're running out of steam,
They call a quick Jehad.

And if these wars go off the boil,
There's always flood, and drought.
Enough mayhem and pestilence,
To help the newshounds out.

Bad weathers always front page news,
A cyclone or a quake.
With possibly the sinking of
A ferry, by mistake.

There's murder, rape and pillaging,
To help the show along,
Or live shots of a jumbo jet,
Crash landing in Hong Kong.

There's sex and drugs, and rock and roll,
As far as you can see,
The only thing thats wrong with that?
No one invited me!

The same old things repeat themselves
The order rearranged.
You'll find that if you watch each day,
Only the date has changed.

The News is live throughout each day
With stories from all parts.
Good news you'd think did not exist,
Just men with evil hearts.

The strippling sun shines stronger now,
Emits its fledgling rays.
A West wind carries creamy cloud
This February day.

Too soon is it to cast a clout,
Experienced, we know,
Tomorrows clouds of greyer hue
Could sharply herald snow.

A microlite pilot named Brown.
Was buzzing around a small town.
He stopped at red lights,
Which ended his flight,
As it caused his machine to crash down.

There once was a captain named Cook.
Sailed off round the world for a look.
He saw lots of things,
But because he'd no wings,
It surprised him, how long it all took.

I've reached a very funny age,
I've had enough of work.
I need to do what others do,
And teach myself to shirk.

My body's not quite up to it,
I'd rather stay in bed.
But due to ailing finances,
I need to work instead.

I did approach the Government
To ask what I could do.
They said I'd need a medical,
And that I'd have to queue.

I saw the doc within 5 years
(Most of the queue had died.)
He said " I'm glad you made it,
It just shows how hard you've tried.

What do you think the problem is,
What do you think you've got?"
"Nothing specific Doc" I said,
But probably, the lot.

I haven't got the best of teeth,
Of that there's little doubt.
And, lately, like the stars at night,
They've started to come out.

My hair's receeding at great pace,
The problem's pretty big.
I've only got two dozen left,
Before I need a wig.

There's lots of little bits of me,
Just slipping past their prime.
And other bits I try to use,
That won't work all the time."

He said "I'm not surprised, because,
You're really quite an age."
I said "The notes you've got are dads,
I'm on an a different page"

He found my notes, then coughed, and said,
"I have bad news for you.
As far as I can tell your dad's
The healthier of the two"

They came as quite a shock to me,
The things the doctor said.
I said "Doc, something's clearly wrong,
5 years now, dad's been dead!"

I gave up on the NHS
I'm back in work again.
I'll soldier on from day to day.
Scarce mentioning my my pain

My girl's bigger,
Fuller figure,
Likes to eat her fill.
Found a diet,
Thought she'd try it,
Calories to kill.

Joined the slimmers,
Then the swimmers,
All to no avail.
Won't desist,
Food can't resist,
She's always bound to fail.

There was a young guy from Brize Norton,
Who had one long sleeve, and one short one.
The reason, it was,
Quite simply because,
Of the Alsatians teeth it was caught on.

The rain it raineth every day,
Begins in June, goes on till May.
When clouds drift in, they tend to stay,
As if they're tethered here some way.

Precipitation from the skies,
Sees water tables ever rise.
Of shortages we oft hear cries,
With bans imposed to ensure supplies.

So where does all that water go,?
We're told our reservoirs are low.
Our Water Boards control the flow,
Of water, thus of money,-- so,

The benefits flow to their banks,
Not into household water tanks.

In a tiny little house,
Lived a tiny little mouse,
With his tiny little wife and tiny sprogs.
In the house, there dwelt a cat,
Who had grown obesely fat,
Simply bursting from his trendy feline togs.

He'd grown fat by eating fish
Though it was his owners wish,
He exterminate the multitude of mice.
"There are more each time I call,
You're supposed to catch them all,
And then eat them, cos that fish is such a price.

By the time I call again,
I should like you to explain,
What you have in mind to rid me of this plague.
I'd appreciate a plan,
To impose a mousey ban,
And, believe me, it had better not be vague.

Otherwise I'm quite afraid,
That you're welcome you've outstayed,
And you'll need to find yourself another home.
So I'll leave things up to you,
I'll return Friday, at two,
If not satisfied, then you'll just have to roam"

So the cat did beg the mouse,
In that tiny little house,
If he'd help him out, and if he would agree,
When the owner came to call,
Mice could hide behind the wall,
So the plethora, the owner wouldn't see.

So because he thought it fun,
Mouse agreed. The desal was done,
And the rodents practised "owners coming" drill.
Not efficient from the start,
Quickly turned into an art,
As they'd lookouts perched on every window sill.

When the owner next came round,
There was ne'er a mouselike sound.
Cos the crafty mouse had swiftly realised.
That if tiddles got the push,
Life would be a busted flush,
And his tribes existence would be compromised.

Now each time the owner calls
Myriad mice, behind thin walls,
Squash together, taking care to hold their breath.
Mustn't sneeze, and mustn't cough,
Mustn't set each other off,
As the outcome would be almost certain death.

Up to now, the plan's worked well,
Though there is a mousey smell,
But the owner hasn't seen one for a while.
Now he thinks he's got his wish,
He's prepared to buy more fish,
And fat cat, and mice, they co-exist in style

I didn't bid,
They swear I did
The auctioneer cried "sold"
Two million pounds,
For house and grounds
My blood ran very cold.

I did but try
To shift a fly,
That settled on my nose.
My current plight,
As it took flight,
Has laft unnumbered woes.

The magistrate
Said "Listen mate,
You should have used more care.
What's done is done,
Life must go on,
It's gone beyond repair.

You can't have bail,
You're off to jail.
Ten years I'll give, for fraud."
If I e'er see,
That pesky flea,
I'll give him some reward.