daniel jack

Computers I don't understand,
I came across them quite unplanned.
For years I worked without I.T.
Till electronic wizardry
Took over mundane daily tasks,
One question now, I need to ask.
Technology,my sometime friend,
Don't we sometimes over depend?

One day, maybe, I'll splash some cash,
And give the Lottery a bash.
Someone must win, it could be me,
A bumper prize-- a tiny fee.
Twice every week they draw the balls,
And Lady Luck makes random calls.
Imagine winning all that bread,
And moving balances from red
To black, that's not been known before.
I'd pick myself up off the floor,
I'd travel, holiday and cruise,
Imbibe untold amounts of booze.
Buy cars and clothes I didn't need,
And lose myself in sickening greed.
Become a rich eccentric bore,
No friends or happiness no more.

Maybe I won't just splash that cash,
To give the Lottery a bash.
Someone does win, it won't be me.
Best things in life, they say, are free.

Whilst rowing round the world,
A travesty unfurled.
I only had one oar,
So twenty yards off shore,
My trip came to a stop.
My anchor I'd to drop.
A quick dash to the loo,
Then try again with two.

A quintessential English town.
Night falls, soft snowflakes flutter down.
Most people sleep, great their surprise,
On mornings unsuspecting rise.
To find a picture postcard scene,
So quiet, undisturbed, serene.
Their town has changed, and overnight,
Become a prettiness of white.
How sad, before the end of day,
That prettiness will slush away

His Honour, black cap on his head,
Passed sentence, "Hang him till he's dead!"
"I only double parked," wailed Fred,
"O.k., fined £50 instead."

In A.D. 1492
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
He never knew where he'd got to,
Cos he'd no Sat Nav for the crew.

As time goes by,
And I grow old,
More lame excuses
I am told.
Experience says
More and more,
I'm sure I've heard
That one before.

I sit and write
Most every night
Ideas invade my mind.
My daily stress,
I feel much less,
I'm able to unwind.

I never know,
What words will flow
What form my work will take.
Sometimes I seem,
Almost to dream,
The poetry I make.

At other times
When little rhymes,
Screwed paper fills the floor.
Hard though I try
Can't seem to buy,
A couplet any more.

I try again,
But from my pen
No sense or feeling flows.
Then suddenly
Bright light I see
A new awkening grows.

If on top form
A feeling, warm,
Ideas flood my mind.
It's fun to write
Away the night,
And gradually unwind

Old Mo died last Saturday night.
The end of a long drawn out fight.
Cremation was booked,
But Mo wasn't cooked,
The burners just wouldn't ignite

Each time another Honours List
In newspapers I find,
I'm quite surprised to see I've missed,
And Liz has been unkind.

I don't know what I've got to do,
Recipient to be.
In private moments, I admit,
I'd love an O.B.E

Or peerage, knighthood, I don't mind,
As long as I am dubbed.
But I' afraid that I will be,
Continually snubbed.

When I was a kid, medicine wasn't advanced,
When you think now what doctors can do.
They can transplant most parts at the drop of a hat,
Turning old worn out bodies to new.

We have some new neighbours who're Spanish.
They're tending to be a touch clannish.
They've been here a while,
But not altered their style,
When siesta time comes, they all vanish.

Huge wads of pay,
Because they play
For Arsenal, Chelsea, Spurs,
Footballers get,
Without much sweat,
No normal job compares.

The favoured few,
This pampered crew,
Much vaunted by the Press,
Claim life is tough,
And cut up rough,
Can't cope with all the stress.

But large amounts
In bank accounts
Mean life's not all that bad.
Footballers greed,
While others need,
Is really very sad.

I wanted to die,
So decided to try,
By holding my breath
To precipitate death.

Not much else to tell,
It went very well.
My death I achieved,
But nobody grieved.

A very small woman named Sue,
Fell into a very hot stew.
The chef said, "Don't worry,
I'll put in some curry"
Then served up a Sue vindaloo.

There was a young fellow named Glen,
Who used to fall ill now and then.
He used to stay off,
When he'd only a cough,
As he wasn't the bravest of men.

One day I flew to Florida,
To laze amid the palms.
But flying there without a plane,
It don't half hurt your arms.

I started saving postage stamps,
Fillaterly the game.
I had to give it up because,
I couldn't spell the name.

I took up lepidoptery,
That's butterflies and things.
I had to give it up because,
I used to crush their wings.

My coin collection grew quite large,
Worldwide was it in range.
I had to give it up because,
I mixed it with my change.

I trainspotted for many years,
It meant a lot to me.
I had to give it up because,
A train ran over me.

But kids today don't do such things,
Technology's to hand.
I had to give that up because,
I failed to understand.

A young poultry farmer named Ted,
Was lately confined to his bed.
Now what do you do,
When you've got chicken flu,
And there's ten million birds to be fed?

I am a baby elephant,
Full firm of limb and trunk.
My mother says, when I grow up,
I'm going to be a hunk.

Girl pachyderms in millions
With reproductive need,
Will flutter eyelids sexily,
Their sole intent, to breed.

I met a girl the other day,
Nine tenths along the family way.
She got stuck pushing through a door,
She pushed and pushed, but stuck some more.
We couldn't move her, forwards, back.
Mobility she seemed to lack.
Predicament gave rise to mirth,
Precipitated early birth.
The baby screamed, the baby cried,
This product of a mum so wide.
Wedged firmly in her wooden frame,
So Dora's now the babys name.

As I lay ailing in my bed,
My past life coursing through my head,
The doc arrived and asked,"What's wrong?
I really can't be here too long.
I'm in an awfully urgent hurry,
My wife's preparing chicken curry.
I mustn't let it go to waste,
That tender meat, succulent taste"

"Don't hang around" the wife replied,
"I'll be in touch when husband's died.
Then you can death certificate,
Pack up your bag, don't want you late"

I knew a man
Who had a plan,
To build a ten foot wall.
Which he'd a mind
To hide behind,
And not be seen at all.

But that same man,
Who had the plan,
To build a ten foot wall,
Which he'd a mind,
To hide behind,
And not be seen at all,

He knew a man,
Who had a plan
To build a twelve foot wall,
Which he'd designed,
Cos he'd a mind,
To hide the other wall.

My brother was really absurd.
He thought he could fly like a bird.
He leapt from the church
He used as a perch.
He was buried December the third.

Have you ever stopped to wonder
What this life is all about?
Have you ever sat and pondered,
Really tried to work things out?
If you ever find the answer,
If in confidence you grow,
If you're sure in your conclusion,
Would you kindly let me know?

The problem I find,
When I try to unwind,
Is that tension and stress have a hold.
My aim is relief,
Allbeit but brief,
But such moments are worth more than gold.

For if you can relax,
You'll avoid heart attacks,
And generally ease through this life.
But if you're always tense,
Under pressure immense,
You'll just leave all you own to your wife.

I suffered in an R.T.A.
A very icy, snowy day.
I broke my arms, my legs, my back.
The threw the pieces in a sack.

The paramedics had a laugh,
And so did all the other staff.
They emptied me onto a bed,
My feet, my hands, my chest, my head.

Then tried to make the puzzle fit,
But made a total hash of it.
My legs protruded from my chest,
I couldn't wear my nice new vest.

My arms they fixed below my waist
They did it with indecent haste.
Then went away to find the plan,
To make this self assembly man.

They screwed and glued and nailed each piece,
Then ironed me, took out each crease.
Finished me off with loving care,
But still had lots of bits to spare.

I started to walk
From Cardiff to Cork
But the Irish Sea got in my way.
Went up to my neck,
Then thought, "What the heck,
I just can't be bothered today"

On death, my worn out bones they'll burn,
Then place me neatly in my urn.
My past life transformed into ash,
Created in a blinding flash.

No matter where or what I've been,
My outlook now a little lean.
No going back, no second chance,
Long dusty sleep my circumstance.

Mistakenly and foolishly
I threw away my toys,
Those Dinkys, Hornbys, Corgis too,
We had when we were boys.

I see them now on T.V shows,
Nostalgia has its price.
What will they fetch? A high reserve,
The auctioneers advice.

The saleroom fills expectantly,
A hush engulfs the throng.
The auctioneer begins to sing
A profitable song.

The bidding's keen, the prices rise,
The atmosphere gets hot.
Excitement mounts as tension grows
With each sought after lot.

Five hundred here, a thousand there,
With force the gavel grounds.
Those formerly unwanted toys
Have fetched undreamt of pounds.

Mistakenly and foolishly
I threw away my toys.
I could have been a wealthy man,
From things we had as boys.

This life will be the death of me,
I know it will, just wait and see.
One day will come my bitter end,
Beyond all help, too broke to mend.
Breath will expire, blood cease to flow,
To up above, or down below
I'll go post haste, I know not where
But when I'm gone, what will I care?

Three thousand feet, just taken off,
Our pilot gives a hacking cough.
Collapses, loses all control,
Fear etches into every soul.
Panic ensues, we're going down,
Adrenolin seems to be brown.

Two thousand feet, we're in a spin,
Survival chances awfully thin.
The stewardess appeals for calm,
And tells us we won't come to harm.
"Just brace yourselves, so when we hit,
You won't get hurt, well p'raps a bit."

One thousand feet, and feeling sadder,
I do wish someone had a ladder.
But no such luck, co pilot says,
He's not having the best of days.
But if we sit back, and relax,
There won't be many heart attacks.

Five hundred feet, now it's too late,
Resigned we all are to our fate.
We're deep in prayer, Abide with me,
We sing, Nearer my God to Thee.
Like some unwilling Heavenly choir,
As we prepare to life expire.

One hundred feet, the plane responds,
At tree top height, and skimming ponds.
A sudden climb to open sky,
So steep the crew go flashing by,
And don't stop till they hit the back,
And crumple floorwards, like a sack.

Our plane ascends at breakneck speed,
We can't inhale the air we need.
And just as we all breathe our last
A guy called Gabriel floats past,
And bids us welcome into Heaven,
Transported there by 747

I once knew a fellow so small,
He lived in a lawn tennis ball.
When Wimbledon came,
Life was never the same,
For a fortnight, he'd no peace at all.

I once knew a fellow named Glover
Who chose for himself a young lover.
Not knowing his wife,
Could handle a knife,
A fact he was soon to discover.

I joined the local library,
To educate my mind.
I took a book out, for two weeks
But silly me got fined.

I read it very thoroughly,
My reading's very slow.
The reason that they fined me?
That was 20 years ago.

I tried to get to London
Via the M1 motorway.
These days that's difficult to do,
Unless you have all day.

There's roadworks, cones and contraflows
And accidents galore.
And long, resulting traffic jams,
Which do become a bore.

I started off at beakneck speed,
A hundred yards, or less.
Then stopped, then started off again,
Like automotive chess.

I tried to get to London
Via the M1 motorway.
Some six hours on, I gave up hope,
And put the car away.

I once owned a snake, named Michelle.
To her end, I affixed a small bell.
The beauty of this,
Was, if she failed to hiss,
Whenever she moved, I could tell.

I once kept a worm as a pet,
And took it one day to the vet.
He said,"Think it's dead"
"No it isn't" I said,
"It's just dry, when it ought to be wet.

I once knew a very old stork,
Athritic, unable to walk.
So they chopped off his legs,
Now he just sits and begs,
And has learned from a parrot, to talk.

I once kept a parrot named Ces,
Who tried awfully hard to impress
He kept trying to speak,
But he had a cleft beak,
And got in a tongue-tieing mess

BEWARE OF THE DOG, it said on the sign.
IT EATS LITTLE CHILDREN FOR FUN.
I knocked on the door,the fierce barking began,
I just froze, was unable to run.

The noise level grew, as the door opened wide,
The commotion inside now immense.
I turned on my heels, started running, and then,
With one bound, I lept over the fence.

At least, till I landed, I thought I was clear,
But then I succumbed to the pain.
My crown jewels hung limply down,where they'd caught ,
And my colour had started to drain.

The man at the door cried "Come back, there's no dog,
It's just a recording I play.
I'm sorry you're hurt,but you can't be too sure,
And it does frighten burglars away!!!",

A lion escaped from the zoo,
We sent for the police, as you do.
The cops asked "Which way did he go?"
I said "Sorry, I really don't know.
For the good of my health I attest,
I thought not to chase it was best"

They can't agree
What's wrong with me,
The specialiist has said,
He's very sure,
There is no cure,
I really should be dead.

An NHS
Collective guess
Summised a strain of flu.
No treatment though,
Death, lingering, slow,
There's little they can do.

And so my friend
To lifes sad end,
Inexorably I crawl.
Wave cheerio
To those I know,
As from my perch I fall.

I once owned a goldfish named Lizzie,
Who swam round her bowl, getting dizzy.
She swam round so quick,
It quite made her feel sick,
And the water became very fizzy.

I once owned a racehorse called Joe,
Who used to run ever so slow.
His jockey, old Fred,
Coming last again, said,
"I just can't seem to get him to go"

I once owned a greyhound, named Butch
Who'd only 3 legs, used a crutch.
His races would end
When he reached the first bend,
His track record was not up to much.

"With Deepest Sympathy" it said,
The card was edged in black.
The next door neighbour popped his clogs,
A massive heart attack.

To have a massive heart attack,
You'd need to have a heart.
The guy next door, was not well liked,
He kept himself apart.

He'd lived next door for 30 years,
I'd never seen him smile,
Except one glimpse in '88,
Amused, was not his style.

So no one mourned or shed a tear,
When he fell off his perch.
Condolences were thinly spread,
And no one went to church.

"With Deepest Sympathy" it said
"Now that your life is done"
His widow only got one card,
Mine was the only one.

Wigan's not a pretty town,
It's dirty, and it rains.
The only Virgins Wigan has,
Are Richard Bransons trains,

Gone the deep mines, gone the dark mills,
The town has changed with time.
Gone the flat caps, gone clogs, gone shawls,
A cleaner life, less grime.

Now nothing's made, all moved abroad,
To Third World labour, cheap.
Unneccessary beureaucrats,
Earn undeserving keep.

I'm that lucky fellow
You thrill with your smlie.
Who knows that your loving
Makes my life worthwhile.

Though we're far apart, still
I know love is true
You're my special lady,
My dreams are of you.

Each time I open up to you,
You always understand.
Maybe someone we'll never know,
Our destiny has planned.

Shortcomings you don't even mind,
Our future will be good.
My life has purpose suddenly,
I feared it never would.

Christmas is over
Thank God for that.
We've gorged on fine food and drink.
We've opened our presents
And donned party hats,
But never did we stop to think.

The New Year was boring,
It came and it went.
We stood in the queues for its sales.
We shopped till we dropped
Vast fortunes we spent,
So much that the credit card failed.