daniel jack

You overdrank,
You overspent.
Another Christmas
Came and went.
The build up as
In years before,
All led to you
Expecting more.
Now Jan to March
Will be so hard,
As you pay off
That credit card.
3 months of scrimp,
3 months of save.
But come next year,
You'll misbehave.
In spite of more
Financial pain,
You'll go and do
It all again

Christmas day would not be missed,
Kids unruly, Grandma pissed.
Presents no one really needs.
Food enough for several feeds.
Neighbours bursting through the door,
Haven't any room for more.
Things get quickly out of hand,
Swearing, fighting, all unplanned.

Christmas day would not be missed,
Grandma, neighbours, kids, all pissed.

Christmas- turkey roast,
Jacob Marleys ghost.
Cards arrive by post.
Who can spend the most?

Christmas- holiday,
Shopping every day.
Bills don't go away,
Next month you've to pay.

Chsistmas- every year,
When the day draws near,
No one wants to hear,
Message ringing clear.

Christmas- baby born,
That first Bethlehem morn.
Our World to adorn.
Now we merely scorn.

Christmas bells jingle,
Cold noses tingle,
Families mingle,
Not if you're single.

Heart feels like stone,
Christmas cheer gone.
Days just drag on,
If you're alone.

There was an old woman called Kate,
Who quite forgot Christmas's date.
She got the wrong day,
Thought it sometime in May,
And sent all her presents out late.

The cullinary Christmas,
Tradition says eat fowl.
Try chicken, goose or turkey,
Or maybe even owl.
You've had the sprouts in water
September first the date.
Then boiled them through the Winter,
Whilst wait has followed wait.

Then comes the blessed lunchtime,
With family gathered round.
The cooker's straining angrily,
And then, a deafening sound.
The damned thing has exploded,
Its end of tether reached.
The damage is extensive,
With walls and windows breached.

The part cooked fowl looks shell-shocked,
As it hurtles swiftly by.
It's really not enjoying
This extra chance to fly.
With veg. the walls are plastered,
With sage, and gravy too,
Yhe familys Christmas repast,
A messy mulch of goo.

An ambulance is sent for,
To take the sick and lame.
And as for mothers kitchen, that
Won't ever be the same.

The cullinary Christmas,
Tradition says eat fowl.
But please be sure you've handy,
Some mortar, bricks and trowel.

Christmas lingers o'er twelve nights,
Decorations, fairy lights.
All put up a month before,
Till there isn't room for more.

Ailing overloaded tree,
Living life precariously.
Smiling fairy perched on top,
Desperate to avoid the drop.

Presents go on Christmas Day,
But the fairy has to stay.
Stay until the bitter end,
Twelve long nights without a friend.

We'll do a nativity play,
With donkeys and wise men and hay.
And shepherds and sheep,
And straw in a heap,
And mince pies brought round on a tray.

We'll ask the kids parents to come.
Each proud loving dad, and proud mum.
In Eastern apparel,
We'll sing Christmas carols
If they don't know the words, they can hum.

We practised each day for a while,
Acquiring much polish and style.
Till we all knew our lines,
And could say them just fine
With the aid of a dazzling smile.

The great day came round, as days do,
All the relatives came along too.
A fine start did we make,
But soon needed a break,
So that Mary could visit the loo.

Next Joseph decided to go
(Another long gap in the show)
And while he was away,
For what seemed like a day,
Outside, it had started to snow.

By this time the whole of the cast,
Had bladders not destined to last,
And the wise men felt free
To nip off for a pee,
Onstage numbers were dwindling fast.

Yet our story was far from complete,
Because of urinal retreat.
Still, outside in the yard,
Snow was falling quite hard.
And was now at a depth of 2 feet.

It looked really pretty out there,
And snowfall like this is quite rare.
"Lets abandon the play,
To go make a sleigh"
Said Joseph- the teacher went spare.

The cast passed teach by as they ran,
Out into the snow, as one man.
It was easy to see,
That acts two and three,
Would not go according to plan.

The shepherds were leading the way,
So eager to get out and play.
Then followed the sheep,
And Little Bo Peep,
Although why she was there I can't say.

Into mayhem the scene did descend,
And quite the wrong message did send
And when fighting broke out
There wasn't much doubt
It would finish in tears in the end.

When Mary gave Joseph a smack,
And knocked her betrothed on his back,
His spectacular fall,
Caused an almighty brawl
And there did seem to be a great lack

Of seasonal cheer going round,
With kids in a heap on the ground.
All the parents joined in,
Made one hell of a din,
"Peace on Earth" it just didn't abound.

The ambulance came about four.
There were bodies all over the floor.
It had gone past a joke,
They took so many folk,
That they hardly could fasten the door.

We'll do a nativity play,
With donkeys and wise men and hay.
What? After last year?
There's no bloody fear.
Of another debacle--- no way!!!

A turkey was idling about,
"Merry Christmas" it heard someone shout.
Was seen then to wobble,
And choked on its gobble,
It's safety now being in doubt.

At Christmas, a turkeys demise,
Could somewhat depend on its size.
If it's not big enough,
Or too big, but tough,
It's not seen as much of a prize!!

Light flickers from a candle
Illuminates dark night.
With dancing, pulsing fingers,
Of pastel yellow light.

No candle burns for ever,
It's life controlled by size.
So quietly diminished,
So quietly it dies.

Then there's another candle,
To burn as that before.
To swift repeat the cycle,
And give off light the more.

Remorseless this pale light show,
As tapers slowly burn.
With row on row wax soldiers
All waiting in their turn

To light our Christmas darkness,
With that same pastel light.
With dancing, pulsing fingers,
Which open up dark night.

We may have snow this Christmas,
This Christmas may be white.
It hasn't snowed for many years,
When Santa's been in flight.

He's checking all his reindeer,
They're getting on you know.
And they would much prefer it
If there wasn't any snow.

But if there is, they'll manage,
To drop the presents off.
And then return to Lapland,
With streaming colds and coughs.

But as they only work on
The one night every year,
They've ample time to convalesce
Their next trip to prepare.

So don't be worried children,
Old Santa will be back.
To bring you lots of presents from
His bottomless big sack.

Be home to spend Christmas,
Not out in the cold.
Be home with your loved ones,
It's worth more than gold.

But thousands are warring,
Each year it's the same.
And thousands are dieing,
Who shoulders the blame?

Some men stay nineteen
At the end of short lives.
Return they do not to
Sad mothers and wives.

Midst crosses and poppies,
And concepts of Hell,
Remember the fallen,
Who served us so well.

Be home to spend Christmas,
Not out in the cold.
Remember the ones who
Will never grow old.

An angel appeared from the sky,
And asked, "Are you Mary?. Well Hi.
I've brought with me news,
That'll drive you to booze,
Cos you're pregnant, and you don't know why.

To Bethlehem soon you will go,
Don't worry, it's not going to snow.
And there you'll give birth,
To the Saviour of Earth,
Know it's true, because God told me so."

That Bethlehem birth in the manger,
Was fraught with discomfort and danger.
And the child who was born
On that first Christmas morn,
To most of the world's still a stranger.

Farm animals gathered around,
In the stable where He could be found.
But when night turned to day,
What they had thought was hay,
Was cow crap all over the ground.

A shepherd, out tending his flock,
(Time goes slow when you haven't a clock)
Saw a bright shining light,
Speeding past in the night,
And thought blimey, a jet, that's a shock.

Three wise men their offerings did bring,
To the babe they'd been told was their King.
But they couldn't check in
To the Holiday Inn,
It was Christmas, you see, in full swing.

King Herod said "Bring Him to me,
This newly born King I must see.
But His parents thought not,
They suspected a plot
Which could damage the family tree.

By this time young Mary was tired,
So a camel they went out and hired.
But the camel broke down
On the outskirts of town
And an R.A.C. man was required.

At length the young couple got back
Home to Nazareth, where they'd a shack.
But for being away
For more than one day,
Poor Joseph was given the sack.

I've never liked Christmas,
The falseness of Yule.
Each shopper heads home
Like some overpacked mule.

For long weeks before,
Preparations go on.
With presents and bottles
And food by the ton.

Much largely unwanted,
And much of no need,
Ignoring the millions
We simply wont feed.

The excess of Christmas
Uncaring, obscene,
The true Christmas message
Each year we demean.

A young Christmas shopper,
Nose pressed up to pane,
Gazed into a toy shop,
Not noticing rain.

His eyes darted quickly,
As childrens eyes do,
From keyboard to game boy,
He'd love something new.

If only, if only,
Old Santa would come.
He'd sent off his letter,
But knew that his mum,

Did not have the money,
To buy what he'd like.
His dream Christmas present,
That gleaming new bike.

"Ah well, maybe next year"
He thought with a sigh.
As he tried not to notice
The tear in mums eye.

We put it up on Sunday,
Our fibre optic tree.
But it collapsed this morning,
And fell on top of me.

That's why I'll spend this Christmas,
Quite unexpectedly,
In bandages and plaster,
Supplied by A & E

You wouldn't volunteer to be
The fairy on a Christmas tree.
Your life would not be too much fun,
Norwegian spruce stuck up you bum.

You'd be up there for quite a while,
I doubt the spruce would make you smile.
Until Twelfth Night you'd be on show,
With sparkling eyes, cheeks all aglow.

Then taken down, to great relief,
Like some old, withered Autumn leaf.
You'd need to call a doctor in,
To soothe the place the spruce had been.

In twelve months time, you'd reappear,
Cos there's a Christmas every year.
You wouldn't volunteer to be,
A fairy on a Christmas treee!!!

Be kind to your turkey this Christmas,
Don't eat it, please keep it alive.
For once in your life show compassion,
And let the poor creature survive.

Be kind to your turkey this Christmas,
Don't stuff it when dinner guests come.
Remember that your little turkey,
Is probably missing his mum.

Be kind to your turkey this Christmas,
Don't carve it, let goodwill prevail.
All turkeys share one great ambition.
To shop at the January Sales.

From now until Christmas Eve, there will be new listings every day, with a Christmas theme. Enjoy!!

Tis the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
The stench is pervading
Of overstewed sprouts.

A mulch in a saucepan
In sulphur-like boil,
6 months fermentation
Our dinner to spoil.

Each year without question,
Again and again
This brassic concoction
Portends gastric pain.

Next year we WILL change,
We have come to the crunch.
We'll try going out for
Our Christmas Day lunch.

As I stood waiting for my train,
Surprisingly, it poured with rain.
It rained throughout the day and night,
And quite submerged the Isle of Wight.
It rained more than the master plan,,
Thats how we lost the Isle of Man.
If it don't stop,I've seen it written,
We may well lose tha whole of Britain.

Old Fred went to his doctor,and,
The doctor said to him.
"How long have you been drinking, Fred?"
Now Fred's a little dim,

"I haven't touched a drop today,
It's only nine o'clock.
I always wait till afternoon,
Before I have one doc."

"I didn't mean today" doc said,
I meant how many years?
Cos if you don't cut back, I guess,
It's bound to end in tears"

"Lets see, I'm 94" said Fred,
"And I'm inclined to think,
That at the age of just 14,
I sampled my first drink"

"Good grief" coughed doc,"Thats 80 years,
Imagine how much ale
You must have drunk in all that time,
Enough to let ships sail.

I think you'd better cut down, now
Your liver's ailing Fred.
It really is a miracle
You're not already dead"

"But doc, I've never felt so good,
Enjoying later life.
It's only 14 days ago,
I married my new wife.

She's only 21, you know,
We make love every day,
Her father made me marry her,
She's in the family way"

Old Fred went to his doctor, proved,
He's not that ruddy dim.
Prescriptions for viagra have
Made quite a change in him.

They tell me Johnny Wilkinson's
A super star, but hey,
To qualify as superstar,
He'd really need to play

I wandered, lonely, as a cloud,
Through leafy copse, o'er verdant hills.
When suddenly, I chanced upon,
MacDonalds, midst the daffodils.

I've never had the notion,
To sail upon the Ocean.
It isn't very quick,
And makes you very sick.

It really can't compare
To travelling by air.
Which though it's really quick,
Can still make fliers sick.

The doctor said, "The specialist
Is who you need to see.
I'll get in touch, he'll send for you,
You've really baffled me"

The letter came within 12 months,
Not bad for NHS.
Appointment made for 2 years hence,
Best they could do, I guess.

The doctor said, "The specialist
Is who you need to see,
Go private" -- only took 2 days
That really worried me.

I'm awfully brave,
Each time I shave
And face cold tempered steel.
My razor blade
Has me afraid
Quite faint I often feel.

I'm awfully brave
Each time I shave
I've never needed gas.
My beard I slice,
With nerves like ice,
Rip stubble out en masse.

I'm awfully brave
Each time I shave
My whiskers now are grey.
These many years,
I've hacked off hairs,
Most every single day.

I'm awfully brave
Each time I shave,
But now, I've had enough.
I'll stay in bed
Longer instead,
And let my face be rough.

For the price of a meal in Japan,
You could buy all of Afghanistan.
And most of Nepal,
Several parts of Bengal,
With the change, you could snap up Iran

There was an old lady from Greece,
Who had a promiscuous niece.
Whilst down on the beach,
Any male within reach
Of the niece wouldn't get any peace.

A silly young lady named Faye,
Was chasing a lorry one day.
"You're losing your load"
To the driver she crowed,
"Yes madam, I'm gritting, go away"

A young airline pilot, Tom Shand,
Had trouble when trying to land.
He'd take off alright,
Could handle the flight,
But rarely came down where he planned.

Sun tumbles from the Western sky
When day comes to an end.
Until tomorrow say goodbye
To Natures constant friend.

Then morning breaks, and from the East
We watch her rise on high.
Bestowing life on man and beast,
And colouring the sky.

Far distant, she's light years away,
And quickly burning out.
Yet still inspires our every day,
Where would we be without?

I recently flew to The States,
(Where they've baseball, and fries, and Bill Gates).
And was less than impressed,
In fact somewhat depressed,
How security's burgeoned of late.

I've travelled a great many times
To the home of the nickel and dime.
But just lately folk seem
Transfixed, in a dream,
With "terror" on everyones mind.

In more relaxed days, years ago,
I often would fly to and fro.
And crossing the Pond,
Of which I was fond,
Would everytime give me a glow.

Now, security starts on this side
Of the cold, grey Atlantic divide.
When "jobsworth" on his perch
With a penchant to search
Will insist that you spread your legs wide.

And then to the baggage machine,
Where your smalls all appear on a screen.
And the jobsworths eyes flicker,
When he spots your wifes knickers,
And you just hope and pray that they're clean.

Next you wander along to the gate,
"See your boarding card, passport, please mate?"
It's at this point you find,
Things are "Running behind"
And you're going to be several hours late.

In a while, they decide you can board,
Your morale is now totally floored.
Then, in one final check
Say "That chain round your neck,
Is a weapon, and can't be ignored"

Then the pilot picks this time to say
That things just aren't going your way.
There's a bit of a snag,
Cos there's one extra bag,
So we can't leave, there'll be more delay.

So they unload the baggage again,
The army of bored little men.
You suspect all along,
That they've added up wrong,
You're delayed by the stroke of a pen.

Your luggage goes back in the hold,
To fly to the States in the cold.
They've sorted things out,
Now we're in with a shout,
Of departure, or so we've been told.

We've been airborne a number of hours.
In discomfort we fidget and cower.
Watched by clandestine guards,
(All flights now are thus scarred)
Hoping no one makes them use their powers.

Security's worse on that side
Of the cold, grey Atlantic divide.
There's "jobsworth" on his perch
With his penchant to search,
You've to open your legs awfully wide.

The "relevant details"
Appear on the screen.
This internet shopping,
What does it all mean?

I'm trying to purchase
A shirt and some pants,
But I've ended up with
Two tickets to France.

I didn't want a camera phone,
I'd managed well without.
I got one for my birthday,
And was forced to learn about
Predictive texts and pixels,
Gleaning info from the net.
But it's so complicated,
I've not mastered it quite yet.
I'm going on a 3 week course
To learn to use it all,
When all I ever wanted was
To make a simple call.

I've had recent experience,
Constabularywise.
The way the "Thin blue line" performed,
Quite opened up my eyes.

Discrediting the uniform,
Uninterested in crime,
You ask for help, the stock response,
"We haven't got the time.

We're good at hounding motorists,
And causing them to crash.
We know that isn't solving crime,
But makes us loads of cash.

Now everything's gone "terrorist"
We won't have long to wait,
For full implimentation
Of our imminent police state.

I take my dog out walking,
And I really must confess,
I find it most unpleasant
Pooper scooping up the mess.

I've had a bright idea,
To keep field and footpath clean.
I've put him in a nappy,so,
You can't tell where we've been.

There's an open wound that's weeping,
Over love where something died.
There's a woman, silence keeping,
Bloodied weapon by her side.

Shallow breath comes quick, unstable,
As she ponders actions clear.
Retrospectively disabled,
All consumed by guilt and fear.

Always feared he'd never tame her,
Loves delusions had him numb.
Though it's done, he wouldn't blame her,
Now, untimely, death has come.

He was shackled, as through duty,
By his vision, brave and rare.
To her unrelenting beauty,
His whole being owned by her.

We're in your country, and we've come
To stay for quite a while.
Whilst you process asylum claims,
We'll live it up in style.

We're here to claim your benefits,
And take them for our own,
We know we didn't contribute,
But dodges we've been shown.

Free food, free house, free clothes, free car,
By filling in the forms,
We'll take whatever we can get,
Without a single qualm.

And when we've milked your cash from you,
And bled your country dry,
We'll take our grant, and go off home,
You'll pay for us to fly.

Then very soon, we'll reappear,
More benefits to claim,
Your system isn't good enough
To foil our cheeky game.

I walk down the street,
By shuffling my feet,
It gets me where I want to go.
But lately I've found,
My getting around
Has started to get very slow.

Unanimous the jury were
The sentence seemed a tad unfair,
For parking on a yellow line,
A jail term and a heavy fine.
Ten years, draconian I think,
And fined £10K, quite made me blink!!!

A vicar preaching to his flock,
Was warning of Gods wrath.
In language unbecoming
Of a member of the cloth.

He swore one time too many,
Several naughty words he said.
A thunderbolt from heaven came,
And struck his reverence dead.

Complete your profile, make it good,
Be who you want to be.
Your age, your size, your weight no one
On line will ever see.

So ham it up,yes, go for broke,
Pretend you're Superman.
They'll beat a path to your PC,
As quickly as they can,

Those hour glass girls, with super chests
Who'll crave to be your date,
If met, would they come as described,
You'd not know till too late.

I'd love to be a fish,
It is my dearest wish.
To lazily swim round,
No fear of being drowned.,
Contented in my bowl,
Just me, don't want a shoal.
In comfortable quarters,
My territorial waters.

We'll put him in an Old Folks Home
Until he fades away,
Where it stinks of piss and biscuits
And there's nowt to do all day.

Cos he's overstayed his welcome
All he does is mope about.
And complain both long and loudly,
Of his stomach, and his gout.

In the Home, they've had the training,
And they'll know just what to do,
Everytime his weakened bladder
Means he can't quite make the loo.

They'll record his medication
Is administered on time.
And there's not a little of it,
Since he went into decline.

There'll be lots of others with him,
Of around about his age.
Who are similarly prejudiced,
And on lifes final page.

They'll talk about their younger days,
Their long term memories good,
They'll probably re-fight the war,
Yes, every drop of blood.

As time goes by, some will die off,
But others will replace.
He never will run out of pals,
His past to help retrace.

You see, we've really thought this out,
To do the best for him.
We've agonised for years and years
This isn't just a whim.

We'll put him in an Old Folks Home,
Until he fades away.
Where he'll stink of piss and biscuits,
Just so long as we're ok.

No one alive can ever save,
Themselves from ending in the grave.
It's just a case of hanging round,
Until you're 6 feet underground.

I purchased flowers to send to her,
A colourful bouquet they were.
They soon arrived, but less than neat.
The driver stood, and by his feet,
There lay a quite unseemly mess,
Of floristry, destroyed by stress.

My lady cried, she took it hard,
(Especially as I'd used her card!)
Acquiring that dishevelled pile.
We never spoke, not for a while.
Say it with flowers, the saying goes,
But hand deliver, I suppose.

Love has changed
Turned to dust.
Rearrange
Now I must.
Aching heart
Whence love came,
Torn apart
Me to blame.
Wouldn't wait
For my prize,
Lost amidst
Heartfelt sighs.
Now she's gone,
Far from me,
Life goes on,
Poinlessly .

My heart keeps beating, don't know how,
Best not to ask -- I'm older now.
And fast approaching my lifes end,
When, if it stops, it just won't mend.

For all these years, not missed a beat,
Through icy blast, through searing heat.
One day quite soon, it's bound to stop,
And from my earthly perch I'll drop.

Till that day comes, I'll soldier on,
Though most things I could do have gone.
No longer do I feel heart race,
At shapely leg, or pretty face.

I'm waiting now, my turn to go,
To abdicate terrestrial woe.
I'm ready Lord, I'm in the queue,
Just when I go. is up to you.