I'm totally dreading
My forthcoming wedding,
I'm certain it's all a mistake.
But guests are invited
So troths must be plighted
That ultimate step I will take.

I'll marry my petal,
But when the dust settles'
I'll gird up my loins, and with force,
I'll swallow my pride,
And announce to my bride
"See here ugly, I want a divorce"

I know you've not met her,
But that will upset her,
No choice will she have but attack.
She'll bristle and gulp,
Beat me to a pulp,
Then kick me to Europe and back.

If I were to say now
To the miserable cow
That I couldn't go through with our date.
Then I know she'd call off,
All that free booze and scoff
And I couldn't do that to my mates.