daniel jack

Didn't mind
How unkind
People were to me
Call me fat,
Mock my hat,
Goad relentlessly.

My back's broad,
I've ignored
Critics all my life.
I've got wed,
Now instead
They've to face my wife.

She takes flack,
Bounces back,
Fixes folk with stares.
With one look
Of rebuke,
She can burn off hair.

"I wandered, lonely as a cloud",
The lakeland poet penned.
And though I don't approach his class,
His work I must amend.

I've never seen a lonely cloud,
Cos even when it's dry,
Each upward look reveals thick
Layers, covering the sky.

Racehorses end up routinely as glue.
But sometimes they're made into pet food, it's true.
Now just you imagine, the Grand National winner,
Being put in a tin to become Fidos dinner.

Last time I ran a marathon,
It took more than a day.
That's not because I'm very slow,
But cos I lost my way.

The starter fired the starting gun,
As starters always do,
But me, I almost died of fright,
And had to use the loo.

When I returned, the race was gone,
And just me left behind.
With no one to accompany me,
The route I could not find.

I'd never been round there before,
I fell in panics grip,
And had to use the loo again
Before I made the trip.

Next time I run a marathon,
It wont take me a day.
I'll use the loo the night before,
Then in touch I can stay.

My sisters wardrobe's filled with shoes,
But she's bereft of feet.
Which makes shoes difficult to wear,
And legs seem incomplete.

My brother hasn't any hands,
Unfortunate mishap.
You never know if he enjoys
A show, cos he can't clap.

My father hasn't got a nose,
You ask how "How does he smell?"
If you get close enough to him,
You very soon can tell.

My mother hasn't any hair,
She's bald and fat and big.
And cos she's also blind she has
Much trouble with her wig.

The only one among us,
Who's complete in every way,
Is me, and several working parts
Have started to decay.

I once knew a man who came out, he was gay.
And hadn't a clue what had made him that way.
He said "Some are shocked at the things I have done,
But I won't give it up, cos it's far too much fun."

There was a girl named Glenys Briggs
Who gave up booze and sex and cigs.
Her life was so devoid of fun,
She might as well have been a nun.

You need top have knees,
To flex when you sneeze.

You need to have knees.
To sway in a breeze.

You need to have knees,
But mind they don't freeze,

You need to have knees,
Though far less than bees.

You need to have knees,
To pray, and say please.
You need to have knees,
Come in twos, not in threes.

A man sat quiet, fishing,
As I strolled around the lake.
The balmy Summers evening
A relaxing scene did make.

I asked him had he caught much,
If his line had been pulled tight.
"These fish are on a diet,
I just haven't had a bite!!"

There's no point to fishing on Sundays
There isn't, I mean it, don't scoff.
You've no chance of catching your supper,
Cos fish always take Sundays off.

I leapt from bed one early morn,
As day was readying to dawn.
I had to go in quite a hurry,
Responsible? A late night curry!

Now Indian food I like a lot,
Although at times a tad too hot.
But every time the stuff I taste,
Next morning I've to go in haste.

There was a man called Robin Hood,
Whose skills in archery were good.
There was a man called William Tell,
And he could use a bow as well.

Young Robin used to steal, to feed
The poor, and those in greatest need.
That's how tradition says it went,
I bet he kept it, every cent.

To shoot an apple from sons head,
Without the lad becoming dead
Was no small task for marksman Will,
Not, as you'd say, "Run of the mill"

A roll of drums, a whoosh of sound,
Two apple halves fell to the ground.
Folk heroes both, were Will and Rob
They always did a proper job!!!

I swam across the sea
From England to Capri.
It's such a long, long way,
It took almost a day.

My limbs got very tired,
I twice almost expired.
But made it in the end,
And now I'm on the mend.

Quite soon I'll swim again,
Next time I'll head for Spain.

Those years ago, if only then,
I'd known what I know now.
My days at school weren't all that bad,
At least they taught me how
To smoke, and how to handle girls,
Such lessons valued late.
All human life is there, they say,
Behind the old school gate.

Our soccer team at school was poor,
When I played in the goal.
Opposing strikers found our net,
As big as some black hole.

Then came the day when we scored one,
We swapped high fives too soon.
The problem was, the other team
Scored ten that afternoon.

You meet, you fall in love,
Love fits, just like a glove.

You hope, you wish, you pray,
Your lonely's gone away.

Soon reach a loving high,
But laugh, quick turns to cry.

Mistrust and doubt and then,
Your lonely's back again.

An elephant went for an afternoon stroll,
Tripped over,fell into a great gaping hole.
Then deeper and deeper and deeper was sunk,
Till all you could see was the tip of his trunk.
As people passed by, poor old Jumbo cried "Please,
I don't like this hole, it's infested with fleas.
I need to be rescued, and get on my way,
Cos I'm going out to the pictures today.
They're featuring DUMBO, my brother, you know,
Please do get me out, cos I so want to go".
A crowd gathered round, and all started to snigger,
They knew they'd be needing the Worlds biggest digger.
"It doesn't work weekends, the driver's away,
And as this is Sunday, you'll just have to stay,
Where you are till tomorrow, so try not to sink,
We'll organise someone to bring food and drink.
But if you don't eat, if you were to lose weight,
It would help the lifters, and that would be great.
If you were to get bigger, you'd have to stay stuck,
And our local council would come in a truck,
With hot tarmacadam, to fill in your hole,
And then level it off, you'd be stuck, like a mole.
Spend the rest of your life, firmly stuck, underground,
Just because you could not shed a few measly pounds.

An elephant went for an afternoon stroll,
Tripped over, fell into a great gaping hole.
He never was rescued, he's still there to day,
But at least now his figure is slimmer they say.

The day before, the day before,
The day before today,
Turned out to be peculiar,
The morning skies were grey.
But soon the Sun broke weakly through,
And overhead turned blue,
My mother called a meeting to
Decide what we should do.
Grand plans were made to picnic in
A meadow down the lane.
We'd only just got settled when
It started on to rain.
We packed away our hampers with
Our spirits having dropped.
No sooner were we home again,
Than all that raining stopped.
Blue skies returned, the Sun was back,
We quickly turned around,
Went back again to picnic, but
Unfortunately found,
Deep puddles where we'd sat before,
So back we headed home.
Our afternoon quite ruined, but,
At least it made a poem.

I always have to wonder
When I hear a clap of thunder,
If it's angels up in Heaven breaking wind.

And when I see forked lightning,
Which I find extremely frightening,
Is that God berating angels who've thus sinned?

The mother issued one huge groan,
Her new born babe weighed 19 stone.
The midwife fainted to the floor,
The father (shocked right to the core)
Said "Really unprepared I am,
We're going to need a "superpram"
And vast supplies of everything,
A cot on heavy duty springs.
This isn't going to be much fun,
Now that I've sired a megason"

I know a Mrs Murgatroyd,
Who's troubled with her haemeroids.
They say she only rarely smiles.
It's difficult to smile with piles!!!

An orange Sun to Westward sets
A Summer evening ends.
Horizon hanging hologram,
So slowly it descends.

Now dusk to darkness slowly turns,
All light has ebbed away.
That Sun from East will rise again,
To hale tomorrows day.

I came across a caterpillar,
Unexpectedly.
He said, "Would you be kind enough,
To take me to a tree?"
I picked him up and placed him on
A leaf, in warm and dry.
Cos otherwise, he never would
Have been a butterfly.

The sky was green,
The Sun dark blue,
The clouds bright red
First time I drew.

Dads head was square,
His teeth had points.
Mums arms and legs,
They had no joints.

A matchstalk dog
I drew my pet,
The kind to baffle
Any vet.

I was but four,
And new to school
My picture I thought
Very cool.

Up in a hot air balloon,
Drifting too close to the Moon.
Cotton wool clouds scud below,
Worried how high we should go.

Suddenly came a large bird,
Did something really absurd.
Pecked the balloon with great force,
Bang, then we hurtle off course.

Plummet like stone to the ground
All in a maelstrom of sound.
Land in a heap upside down,
Adrenolin seems to be brown.

"Please leave a message" says the voice,
"Your call can't be put through.
The person you are trying to call,
Will get right back to you.

Or call again, some other time,
If they don't answer then.
Your bill will start to escalate,
And still you won't know when,

You'll get to speak to who you want
Or even IF you will.
But if eventually you do.
It will be such a thrill"

I rise every morning at five,
And sometimes I'm almost alive!
I wash, then I shave, then I dress,
My public I need to impress.

I work at my office all day,
I'm getting on now, going grey.
I've done this for too many years,
I know it will all end in tears.

The doctor advised me to stop,
Or one day, quite soon, I'll just drop.

Then back home to dine with my wife,
It's not too exciting, my life.
I'm in bed a touch before ten
Tomorrow I'll do it again!!!

If God had wanted children
All to be as good as gold,
Then the world would be a very different place.
For which of us can manage
To suppress a knowing smile,
When we spot a cheeky grin on juniors face?

Which means he's just done something
But its not apparent what.
Cos he's not disposed to tell a mortal soul.
It remains his private secret,
Has he set some little trap?
Or will you end up falling down a hole?

As long as there are children,
Then there'll always be adults
Who the naughty kids will hurry to provoke.
And when the kids are questioned,
Was it they who did the deed?
They'll say "Yes, but only meant it as a joke!!!"

I look to Westward at the close of day,
And watch a reddening Sun fall from its sky.
Midst gathering gloom, horizons fade away,
Another Winters day has hurried by.

A day now lost, as days have gone before.
New night now settles into dark surround.
Will Sunrise welcome morning anymore,
Or is our Sun trapped, captive underground.

The train was packed, nowhere to sit,
Just had to make the best of it.
No sardine tin was stuffed this tight,
As we lurched onward through the night.

We almost made it, then broke down,
A mere half mile from our home town.
Three hours we stood, not knowing why,
Our lives,on hold, passing us by.

At last we moved,then stopped again,
So near, so far our ailing train.
Then moved once more, this time arrived,
And twenty thousand people dived,
Os so it seemed, in dark and dank,
Towards a vacant taxi rank.

The walk would not have done us good,
That's why we stole the car M'lud.

Humpty Dumpty, as you'll recall,
Fell head first from the top of a wall.
Broke into pieces on hitting the floor,
And so he can't sit on a wall any more.

Heavy showers
Pour for hours
Weather less than good.
Teeming rains,
Fill the drains
Leave behind a flood.

Heavy showers
Pour for hours,
Weather still not good.
Rains for days,
Water stays,
Even deeper flood.

When I grow up, (I'm almost three)
I think I'll drive a JCB.
I'll need to grow though, just a bit,
Or else I won't too snugly fit
In that big cab, I'd rattle round,
Then tumble headlong to the ground.
Be taken off to A & E
Have paramedics tending me.
Admitted to the childrens ward,
Discomfited, and very bored.

My mind's made up, (I'm almost three)
Don't think I'll drive a JCB

I am me,
Busy and free,
What can I be?

I am me,
Not found at sea,
What can I be?

I am me,
Pollen for tea,
What can I be?

I am me,
Surely you see,
I be a bee.

My breathing's stopped,
Blood pressure's flopped,
I've limbs that weigh like lead.
Flat on my back,
Movement I lack,
I'm pretty sure I'm dead.

In case I'm not,
And what I've got,
Is diagnosed as flu,
I'll suffer pain,
But rise again,
To start my life anew.

The first time I died,
Not one person cried,
Not even my wife or my kids.
So I took a deep breath,
And cancelled my death,
Served them right, cos they thought they'd got rid

The next time I went,
I had no intent
Of ending my life on this Earth.
When I got to the Gate
I said "Why, Peter Mate?"
He said, "O k., I'll book a re-birth.

During death number 3
Hosts of Angels I see,
As the life in my body expires.
But I turn right back round,
When assailed by their sound,
Cos I'm no fan of heavenly choirs.

After death number 4
I'm laid out on the floor,
By the guy with the measuring tape.
To his shock and surprise,
I then opened my eyes,
And proceeded to make my escape.

Before death number 5,
I was barely alive.
But hung on for a number of days.
It was when someone said,
"Hey, your ma in law's dead"
I said "Well if she's going, I'll stay"

On approaching death 6
I got into a fix,
And was felled by an unknown disease.
My morale greatly dropped,
When my hearts beating stopped,
But I came round again by degrees.

During death number 7,
I was odds on for Heaven,
But refused, using devious means.
I had no wish to go,
Whether up, or below,
As I started to feel full of beans.

So to death number 8,
I arrived, but too late,
The Grim Reaper had already gone.
This time I was ready,
But took things quite steady,
My life will just have to go on.

Number nine, the last one,
(Even cats have now gone)
When I finally went, I was brave.
But still nobody cried,
Even though I HAD died
And genuinely needed a grave.

I keep a sepia photograph,
Of me when just a lad.
In happy times, on holiday,
At play with Mum and Dad.

Now many years have come and gone,
And both have passed away,
My picture heightens memories
Of past , idyllic days

The day we went on holiday
On Boeings silver bird,
Became a day we'd not forget,
With drama quite absurd.

At checkin desk,the girl, severe,
Viewed tickets, passports too.
"Pack these yourself? No bombs?" she asked,
Before she'd let us through.

Our cases then she weighed and tagged,
And sent them on their way.
To where? And if we'd see them soon,
We really couldn't say.

"You'll see them when you reach Beijing"
We never stood a chance.
Whilst we flew off to far Cathay,
Our undies went to France.

We never saw our clothes again,
And though we made our claim,
To have to dress as Chinese do,
Was really not the same.

I've just enjoyed an Indian,
Exquiste taste and smell.
Completely satisfying,
And her food was good as well !!

More soldiers die,
Young widows cry,
More mothers anguish feel.
More comrades weep,
Their vigils keep,
Before stark headstones kneel.

This, day by day,
The price we pay,
For selfishness and greed.
With hate we burn,
We never learn,
As vanities we feed.

When will it end,
Can we extend
The olive branch of peace?
It's how we're made,
So stay afraid,
For wars will never cease.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
With 12 cans of cider,
Said "Let's both get legless today"

I had to sack Fred,
Because he was dead.
The job went to Bill,
Who soon became iil.
He gave it to John
Who couldn't go on.
So passed it to Jack,
Who gave it me back.
Appointed young Rob,
Who hated the job.
All five have now left,
So of help I'm bereft!!!

It's "Children in Need" time,
Same week every year.
I used to donate,but,
Right now I've a fear.
The organisation
Requesting my cash,
Is the one whos Blue Peter
Made such a big hash,
Of rigging a phone vote,
To pick a pets name.
Somehow reputations,
Just don't seem the same.
I'll disappoint Pudsey,
But my small amount,
I'm tempted to keep
In my own bank account.

Experimented, did it big.
Crossed Sammy sheep with Pammy pig.
What did we get when it came due?
A peep? A shig? Which name rings true?

You need to run, you need to hide,
Cos if you don't, then woe betide
If tax inspector nobbles you.
It isn't nice what he can do.

And now we're all on self assess
We're each to blame for our own mess.
No one is sure how much they owe
The system's there to keep it so.

You'll pay too much, won't get it back,
Your tax inspector has the knack
Of overcharging one and all.
Then he's "on leave" each time you call.

Eventually, you give up hope,
It's easier to meet the Pope!!
Your money's gone, your code's still wrong,
Next years assessment won't be long.

I bumped my head,
Was classed as dead,
Just after tea
They buried me
Wrapped in a box,
Without clean socks.
I feel quite queer,
It's dark down here.

I visited, in hospital,
My lover laid in bed.
We billed and cooed as lovers do,
And then my sweetheart said,
"That woman they rushed in today,
Is hanging on to life,"
I glanced across, I recognised,
And screamed, "My God,The Wife!!!"

Woke this morn,
Gave a yawn,
Didn't want the day.
Half awake
Couldn't take,
What it had to say.

Tried to creep
Back to sleep,
Knew that wasn't right.
Why does morning
Do its dawning
Half way through the night?

I lived in a house that was close to the tip,
I preferred it to renting a flat.
It was handy for carpets and tellys and beds,
A "Des Res" if you didn't mind rats.

Then one day, the man from the Council came round,
And told that a motion was passed,
At a full Council meeting, the evening before,
That by far, too much waste, had amassed.

The tip they were closing, re-routeing the waste,
Landscaping with turf and with tree.
Which, though it may look good in several years time
Is a loss to both rodents, and me.

Im told there's nothing down for me,
Cos I don't understand I.T.
Life has moved on, left me behind,
Antedeluvian my mind.
I don't know bites, or gigs, or rams,
But now they learn these in their prams.
Surely, quite soon, will dawn the day,
When humankind will fade away.

I dreamt of being 007,
It was my want, or wont.
Whereas he went for "Derring do"
I featured "Derring don't"

The women, escapades and drink
Which he took in his stride,
Would all have been too much for me,
I'd probably have died.

I dreamt of being 007
But now I'm far too old.
And all my fantasies, long held,
Will never now unfold.

I am a rhinopotamus
I fight for fightings sake.
And if you swam in my pool,
You'd make a big mistake.

My mother was a hippo,
The moment I was born,
They realised who father was,
Because I have a horn.

So if my pool you entered,
Perhaps to do front crawl.
As like as not I'd eat you,
And that's not nice at all

My mother had a labrador,
She also kept a poodle.
They procreated one dark night,
And made a labradoodle.

November comes,
Long Winter nights
A yearly parting bring.
When neighbours
Disappear indoors,
Not seen again till Spring.

I'm totally dreading
My forthcoming wedding,
I'm certain it's all a mistake.
But guests are invited
So troths must be plighted
That ultimate step I will take.

I'll marry my petal,
But when the dust settles'
I'll gird up my loins, and with force,
I'll swallow my pride,
And announce to my bride
"See here ugly, I want a divorce"

I know you've not met her,
But that will upset her,
No choice will she have but attack.
She'll bristle and gulp,
Beat me to a pulp,
Then kick me to Europe and back.

If I were to say now
To the miserable cow
That I couldn't go through with our date.
Then I know she'd call off,
All that free booze and scoff
And I couldn't do that to my mates.

You've gone a colour I've never seen,
A very bright flourescent green.
The green is edged all round by red,
I'm pretty sure you'll soon be dead.

The threat of being dog food,
Sealed up in a tin,
That doesn't half encourage
Racehorses to win.

I'm not a fan of football,
I find it very tame.
It's talked about as life or death,
It's really just a game
Played, generally, by wimps who cheat
And swear a match away.
Spewing industrial language,
A vicar wouldn't say.

I drove my car
A yard too far.
It stopped, all out of juice.
I left it there,
Marked "police aware"
No longer any use

My life through
I've been siblingless,
I've never understood,
Why my four offspring
Cultivate
A warring brotherhood.

My eyes are weak,
I hardly see.
Can't hear you
Less you shout at me.
My age is catching
Up on me,
I think I'll just
Go quietly.

The place was hushed,
The tension grew.
I putted, made my goal.
My score I marked,
A sixty six.
And now,......... the second hole.

I saw a bird fly way on high.
It dropped a message in my eye.
And on my hair, and in my ear,
A case of airborne diahorrea

A sweet little grey haired old Gran,
Went shopping, potatoes her plan.
"5 pounds please" she said
"We do kilos instead"
"Then 5 pounds of kilos young man!"

A poet wrote limericks for fun,
And churned them out twenty a day.
The problem he had,
Was they weren't very good,
He could never quite get them to rhyme.

A pretty young widow named Jill,
Had plotted her husband to kill.
She'd thought the amount
Stashed in his bank account,
Would be best left to her in his will.

A naive young robber named Frank,
Attempted to hold up a bank.
But his quick getaway
Fell in great disarray,
When there wasn't a cab on the rank.

An old English sheep dog, Louise.
Is home to a few million fleas.
When she gives a cough,
Tens of thousands fly off,
So please Louise, don't ever sneeze.

A clumsy wee oarsman from Fife,
Cut off his left arm with a knife.
When rowing he found,
He went round and round
In circles the rest of his life.

A duck one day went in a pub,
Said, "Landlord fetch me ale and grub,
I'm hungry, thirsty, quickly please,
This hunger and this thirst appease.

The landlord thought, "A talking duck,
I really can't believe my luck.
A duck that talks, and doesn't quack,
I'll sign him up, we'll make a stack."

The duck was signed, told jokes and sang,
His first night went off with a bang.
The audience gave wild applause,
What happened next, was sad, because,

A fire broke out, our duck got caught,
Got burned alive, a horrid thought.
Now only memories remain,
Of entertaining duck refrains.

'Twas awfully sad, our ducks demise,
Our chagrin we could not disguise.
"To absent friends", is now the toast,
Our duck, an unexpected roast.

A man in a boat,
Fell out, didn't float.
So started to sink,
What next do you think?
He ran out of breath,
Which hastened his death.

The body's on the bathroom floor,
There's blood splashed on the walls.
There's need to hide much evidence
Before a policeman calls.

Realax, he won't come yet a while,
They always make you wait.
They're busy stopping motorists,
You've time to decorate.

And if at length they do convict,
They only issue fines
To murderers, jail's only for
Those caught on yellow lines.

The doctor said he'd never seen
A case like mine before.
But from the way I limped,
He realised it must be sore.

He thought a while, then diagnosed,
There's one thing you must do.
Whenever you're out walking,
Don't wear just one shoe, wear two.