daniel jack

I once knew a man with a very long nose,
Which stretched from his forehead,way down to his toes.
He didn't look good when he went down the street
With a pair of flared nostrils dividing his feet
The human ant eater he used to be called,
His wife, at first meeting, was truly appalled.
She said that of marriage, the chances were scant,
Unless he applied for a nose shortening grant.
A grant was requested, came through in a flash,
"Olefactory Options" provided the cash.
"i"s were all dotted, and "t"s were all crossed,
With scaffolding being the bulk of the cost.
The whole operation would take just a week,
With everyone praying the nose wouldn't leak.
A dripping proboscis is far less than nice,
So the main man from Offwat was asked for advice.
Five workmen were sent out in tunneling gear,
Two traversed each nostril,and one man stood clear,
In case of a sneeze,when those desperate men
Would probably never be heard of again.
Midst hush, and great tension, the surgeon prepared
He sharpened his scalpel, and said "Don't be scared,
One cut with this thing,and I'll have your nose off,"
He started to cut, but then started to cough.
The surgeon went haywire, sliced through at great pace,
Spreading blood and confusion all over the place.
And the man with the nose which did reach to the floor,
Has no nose and no limbs and no ....., any more

Next door they keep a cat,
A moggy extra fat.
The house it stays within,
The cat flap's far too thin
To push poor pussy through.
There's nothing it can do,
Except, accept its fate,
And try to lose some weight.

My camera phone takes pictures
I send to new found friends.
As soon as they receive them,
The friendship tends to end.

I don't understand,
Why things that I've planned,
Don't ever work out as I thought.
Why, only last week,
In front of the beak,
I stood wishing I'd never been caught.

He said, "Look here son,
This deed you have done,
Will keep you in prison for life.
You mustn't feel proud,
You're just not allowed
To poison the trouble and strife."

I said, "Well if you
Had lived with her too,
And tasted the food she prepared,
Then take it from me,
In my shoes you would be,
Her life you would never have spared."

The day that I went sailing,
I hired a tiny boat.
The weather turned out nasty,
I wasn't sure she'd float.

Huge waves kept breaking over
And tossing her about.
It wasn't long till breakfast
Was making its way out.

The sausage, eggs and bacon,
I'd had an hour before,
All came back in a hurry,
Till I could do no more.

So next time I go saling,
I'll waive that morning dish.
Pointless to have a fry up,
Just to pass it to the fish

Have you ever
Thought how clever,
Fish must surely be?
If they were slow,
How would they know,
That home is in the sea?

The way I do my hair,
Is really rather rare.
I make a tiny quiff,
Then gel, to make it stiff.
My wavy locks I comb,
Just prior to leaving home.
Oh, sorry, should have said,
I put it on my head,
My toupe, glue it down,
Then go out on the town.

Why don't I like watching football?
Why does it get up my nose?
Why do those overpaid pundits
Smugly, always, presuppose,
That everyone loves watching football,
And can't wait for teams to start play?
If they stopped all the swearing and spitting,
I might start to watch it some day!!!

I own a restless cow,
And she escaped, somehow.
It took me many days,
To get her back, to graze.

She settled down, but then,
She got away again.
I've searched the whole Earth round.
She's nowhere to be found.

So if you see my cow,
Please send her back somehow.
You'll need a letter box,
That takes her head and hocks.

I interrupted matins,
The vicar looked surprised.
"We haven't seen you here before,
Unless you came disguised.

We don't attract new members
So it's good to welcome you.
Please stay, join in our service.
Take your pick of any pew."

I reassured his reverence
That this visit was my first.
And in fact I was the plumber
Who he'd called to fix a burst.

The bridegroom, he sat fidgeting,
The bride was very late.
Perhaps she wasn't comimg,
How long should we, must we, wait?
The guests were chatting noisily,
Through nerves they couldn't hide.
The organist sat waiting
To begin "Here comes the bride"
The service should have been at 2
By now 'twas half past four.
The verger said "I've had enough
I won't wait any more.
I'm locking up and going home,
Afraid you all must leave.
I shouldn't really tell you this,
But, I'm led to believe
The bride has done a runner,
Things have turned out really bad.
She's gone off with the vicar,
Mrs vicar's hopping mad."

The bridegroom said "Well bugger me,"
And turned a little pale.
The best man said "Don't worry mate,
At least we've plenty ale"

My corpulent bride,
Was far too wide.
Got wedged between the pews.
In widescreen style,
She blocked the aisle,
The vicar blew a fuse.

"Please get her out,
Just turn about,
Go back the way you came.
The problem's come,
Because her bum,
And Europe look the same."

We never wed,
His reverence said
I'd had a narrow miss.
A girl so wide's
The sort of bride,
No man should have to kiss.

I swam the Pacific,
Took nigh on a week.
My speed disappointed,
Was not at my peak.

I swam the Atlantic
It took me 3 days,
In less than a week,
I had swum it both ways.

I swam the cold Arctic,
In merely a trice.
But damaged my head,
Kept colliding with ice.

I swam across the Irish Sea
So easy that turned out to be.
To make it harder, hatched a plan,
Swam ten times round the Isle of Man

I said to my doctor "I've broken my arm,
In three or four places, you know"
He said "Well, remember, in future, that those,
Are places you just shouldn't go!!!

Sometimes I drink my whisky neat,
But when no one's about,
Sometimes I take my jacket off,
And let my shirt hang out!!!

I once became pregnant,
Strange that, for a man.
The doc said, "Don't worry,
I'll help all I can.
Your problem's unheard of,
Mysterious indeed.
I've rung the consultant,
And he has agreed,
Caesarian Section,
The first on a bloke.
(I had to convince him,
It wasn't a joke.)
You're booked in this morning,
They'll use gas and air.
God knows how much damage
They'll need to repair!!"

The midwife said "Blimey,
I see your a chap.
Can I be your agent?
Put us on the map!!"

I'd twelve days in labour,
Of scream, shove and push,
That, after my waters
Gave out in full gush.

I gave birth to triplets,
One girl and one lad.
And one we're not sure of,
Just like his mum/dad

I had a model train set,
I was very fond of that.
Now did I ever tell you
Of the day I killed the cat?

My train ran round our garden,
Dodging weed and flower and bush.
Then in, through the French window,
It would come in such a rush.

The cat was sleeping soundly,
Till it heard the train at speed,
Incredulous, the moggy,
Sat bolt upright, then decreed,

"I really should be leaving,
This could be a scene of crime,"
Too late, the train had got him,
There just wasn't any time.

The accident was messy,
Blood and fur flew everywhere
Moggy never knew what hit him,
No, he never had a prayer.

I had a model train set,
I was very fond of that.
If you have a model train set,
Take care not to kill your cat.

My buffaleleocerous,
Is totally unique.
The only one on earth it is,
A sub saharan freak.
It wasn't sired, nor was it born,
But made one day by chance.
When several tons of flesh conjoined,
In dreadful circumstance.

Convergently three mammals ran,
In panicked, headlong dash.
Three hefty beasts merged into one,
Resultant from the crash.
Rhinocerous and buffalo
Collided with huge force,
And Jumbo never stood a chance
To miss this intercourse.

No way could they be prized apart,
12 legs, 3 heads, trunk, horn,
No longer leading seperate lives.
My fortune had been born.
My buffaleleocerous
Is totally unique.
I rent it out to London Zoo,
Make thousands every week.

I went to Haydock Park to seek,
My fortune, just the other week.
The tip they sold me was a "cert"
Bet all you've got, include your shirt!

Five furlongs isn't very long,
But long enough to prove them wrong.
I watched the runners all flash past,
Except for mine - who strolled in last

I used to chain smoke all the time,
(I didn't but it makes this rhyme)
It used to give me awful pains,
Not smoking cigs, but dragging chains.

I ordered a lobster for dinner,
It was minus a claw, and seemed thinner.
The chef said last night
It had lost in a fight
I said go back and bring me the winner.

I took a yoghurt from the fridge,
And trapped inside? A shivvering midge
Who said "I've been in here all night,
I think I'll be too stiff for flight"
But took a run up, lifted off,
Then gave a wheezy, chesty cough,
Lost all control, and crashed to ground,
Lay injured, uttering little sound.
A whisper struggled from his throat,
"Next midge you trap, lend him your coat"

My mother had a baby,
A boy who's not like me.
He grew and grew and grew and grew,
And stopped at 12 feet 3.

Mum tells me he's my brother,
That's very clear to see.
But I don't know just how he looks,
Because he's 12 feet 3.

His girl friend's really tiny.
A mere 4 feet is she.
They never talk whilst making love,
Because he's 12 feet 3.

And when he kicks the bucket,
On hand there'll need to be,
A lot of men to carry
A coffin 12 feet 3.

That Guy up in heaven
Relaxed on day seven,
Thought he'd done enough
Of creation and stuff.
The world was complete
So he put up his feet.

Our next door neighbour died last week,
The problem was his heart.
He went to bed, and while he slept,
It stopped, then wouldn't start.

As they buried old Tommy,
Rain poured from on high.
But he wasn't phased,
In his coffin 'twas dry.

A man called in the village pub,
Ordered a pint of ale.
The landlord asked "Are you ok?
You look a little pale"

By now the pint was long since sunk,
The man said, "Mine host please,
The same again, if you don't mind"
That too was downed with ease.

"I shouldn't drink with what I've got
I need to get outside"
"What have you got?" the landlord asked
"Ten pence" the man replied

I thought to help relax I might
Take sleeping pills to help at night.
I sipped some water from my cup,
Alas, I'd mixed the tablets up.
I didn't realise until
I felt effects caused by the pills,
Viagra's what I took instead,
At least I won't roll out of bed!!!

There's a lot to be said for our England,
It's pleasant and green overall.
And till lately most people were English
But standards have started to fall.
At its top end it butts up to Scotland,
On the left, as you look, you'll see Wales.
We've had these on our fringes for ever,
Sending haggis and leeks and strong gales.

But, now, from all points of the compass,
And not even grasping our tongue,
They come in their millions to join us,
And stay here for far, far too long.
They get themselves lost in the system,
And benefits start to shower down,
They've no need to work or to worry,
He provides all they need, Mr Brown.

But now we indiginous people
Are getting a little bit sick,
Of providing free food and free lodging
For scroungers who know every trick.
It could seem to a casual observer,
(A conclusion not over remiss)
That most of our immigrant bretheren,
Are seriously taking the piss.

They contribute nothing towards it,
Yet live on our handouts like kings,
Then hide behind race and religion
To fend off resentment it brings.
There's much less to be said for their England
Still pleasant and green overall.
But if smoething is not done, and quickly
It just wont be England at all.

I planned my break so carefully,
Bought flights, hotels, on line.
Then realised a tad too late
October's not month nine.

The check in girl suppressed a smile,
And said "You need to know,
The flight you've come to board today,
It left a month ago"

So when you surf the internet,
To book some time away.
You need to double check to see,
You're there on the right day.

"Lets hop in bed"
The young man said
"I need my wicked way"

"No" I replied
I could have died,
I'm hardly ever gay.

My computer chewed up Grandad
I'm sorry but it's true.
He pressed "control" and "enter"
And just disappeared from view.

It swallowed him completely,
(He's old and quite infirm)
He must have caught a virus,
Or been eaten by a worm.

Please go into your "inbox"
And if grandad you see.
Then copy him and paste him
And email him to me.

As kids my sons could never cope
With intercourse involving soap.
Then they found girls, they adolesced,
So showered and washed like men possessed

I sat and watched Sid spider climb,
And fall to ground each hopeful time.
Sid never did achieve his goal,
And perseverence took great toll.
Reserves of strength drained down to dregs,
And muscles ached in all 8 legs.
So Sid gave up - now my concern's
The rubbish penned by Robert Burns!!

The man next door, whose name was Jim,
Was positively far too thin.
He tripped, fell over so he did,
And tumbled headlong down a grid.

Some people laughed, some others cried.
Especially when they found he'd died.
Poor Jim no longer lives next door,
I bet he wished he'd eaten more.

I once owned a chicken
I kept for a while
Who sported sunglasses
To give herself style.

Because of those glasses
My chicken named Meg
Tied to hatch a black pudding
Thinking it was an egg.

I chased a monkey up a tree,
It kept a watchful eye on me.
I sat beside the tree before
He came to join me on the floor.
He said, "Why were you chasing me?"
A talking monkey? Can this be?
I said "Because you stole my fruit,"
He said "I know, but aren't I cute?"
Then scurried off the way he'd come,
All legs and tail and bright pink bum.

For Rovers/United
I've signed, I'm delighted
I know that my future is made.
Fifty thousand a week
I'll be paid at my peak
For the fabulous skills I display

Now don't you be jealous,
I'm ever so zealous
I train twenty minutes a day.
And play 2 games a week
Give my all - so to speak,
Thus earning my well deserved pay !!!!

We couldn't play football on Mondays,
Mums washing was all hanging out.
Other days we'd use clothes props as goal posts,
But play Monday, and we'd get a clout.

I tend to walk round backwards
Unwinding where I've been.
And falling over lots of things
I've never even seen.

Her indoors went to a wedding,
Had to buy a brand new hat.
The box it came in, emptied,
Could have been a council flat.
The great day came, so did much rain,
It poured the whole day through.
The hat kept getting wetter,
There was nothing she could do.

Eventually it weighed so much
It brought her to her knees.
The woman shivvered, coughed, and then
Exploded with a sneeze.
Large chunks of hat flew jet propelled
To corners far and wide.
One collided with the vicar,
Others traumatised the bride.

The moral of this poem is
Next time you wear a hat,
Madam, settle for a dainty one
Be satisfied with that.

I can't cope with shopping,
The angst it creates.
Especially now,
When shops open till late.

I don't see the point of
Retailing around,
While the staff in the shops
Try to squeeze my last pound.

Thrusting unwanted goods
Into each shoppers face.
So they'll purchase more things
They've no need to replace.

And then comes the crunch from
The love of your life,
That trained shopaholic
Your free spending wife.

"I've saved a third off all
The goodies I've got!!"
"Not good enough dear,
I'd have saved all the lot!!!"

The young CSO who nicked me.
Just 16 years old had to be.
He didn't have time,
To charge me with crime,
As his mum called him in for his tea.

I've never understood quite why
Democracy is hailed
As being so desireable,
Demonstrably, it's failed.

Our representatives ignore
Their promises and then,
At voting time, posses the nerve,
To seek support again.

One man, one vote, millions have died
To set in stone that right.
The routine way we are ignored,
Seems hardly worth the fight.

Cremation is often the way,
Deceased people call it a day.
But I think it rash
To end up as ash,
I'll opt for a slower decay.

I write my daily blog.
Like falling off a log.
Each day a little time,
To pen a pleasing rhyme.

Some bad, and some quite good,
I want it understood,
Though Shakespeare I am not,
I love my blog a lot.

Mary Mary,
Quite contrary
How does your garden grow?

It's gone to seed
With grass and weed,
Looks better in deep snow!!

Mary Mary
Quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?

My Name's not
Mary Titchmarsh
So really I don 't know!!

Mary had a little lamb,
That truth I can endorse.
But in this heartless nursery rhyme,
She ate it with mint sauce.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Health and safety said, "Hump you'll fall"
Signs were put up, safety nets fastened round,
To stop Humpty Dumpty from hitting the ground.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Unfortunately, he suffered a fall.
Broke into pieces, and had to be glued,
Blamed the poor builder, went right on and sued

I know an old woman
Who lives in a shoe,
With rents as they are,
What else can a girl do?

A woman went shopping,
(Store prices aren't dropping)
And noticed a BOGOF on tea.
But not needing two,
She said "What I'll do,
I'll just take the one that's for free."

I took what I thought was a pill,
The sort you take when feeling ill.
I took it trying to ease a pain,
I never will do that again.

I didn't take a pill, indeed,
I took a quickly flowering seed.
You'll think them funny, I suppose,
These petals growing from my nose.

There was a young woman named Clare,
Who struggled to grow any hair.
She looked pretty bad,
Of the three hairs she had,
One was brown, one was red, one was fair.

I once knew a woman named June,
Who flew in a hot air balloon.
She was drifting along,
With her heart full of song,
And the next thing, bumped into the Moon

I travelled to London, first class.
For that, you need money, en masse.
The train that I caught,
I thought I had bought,
But I had only borrowed, alas.

A woman I know hated mice,
So got rid of them all, which was nice.
But then both of her knees
Turned to big lumps of cheese
And the mice, they returned in a trice.

I caught her in just underwear,
A sight to make a blind man swear.
Voluminous her sagging breasts,
Like sacks of spuds hung from her chest.
Her bra complaining, under strain,
Could shelter men from falling rain.
Her torso grossly out of shape,
Approximating to a grape.

This antidote to pulchritude
Suggested we do something rude.
Yours truly didn't want to know
Enthusiasm wouldn't grow.
So I declined the time in bed,
And went to walk the dog instead.

I don't want your bland emissions,
Biased tabloid news transmissions.
Overdone is football now,
Puerile quiz shows (Ginger cow).
Tedious soaps with rehashed scripts
Attenboroughs incessant trips.
Excess cooking, D.I.Y.
God forbid I ever try!!
I watch no more, mark my defiance,
I've cut the plug off my appliance.

I bought a tent
To save on rent
And pitched it in a field.
Along came rain,
The campers bain,
And copious leaks revealed.

It rained for days
A murky haze.
Inside the tent got wet.
Strong winds arose,
Downed trees and crows,
Like backdraft from a jet.

My tent was wrecked,
So in effect
My money blew away.
If tents you use
Try not to choose
A rainy, windy day.

A young Belgian fellow from Gent,
Had given up eating for Lent.
He missed forty dinners
Which made him much thinner
And his cooker he put out to rent.

Cremated was Tommy the month before last,
His liver was pickled you know.
A neighbour who went to the crem yesterday,
Said the old bugger's still burning slow.

I have a little frog,
That barks, just like a dog.
I have a cockatoo,
Who's always on the loo.
I also have a cat
That talks. Enough of that.
My pets are all so strange
But still, I wouldn't change

I keep a noisy bird,
That shouts four letter words.
I own a little pig,
That likes to dance a jig.
I also have a lamb,
Who travels in a pram.
My pets are all so strange,
But, still, I wouldn't change.

A bird perched in a tree.
Each time it had a wee,
The liquid it would flow,
And wet the folks below.

The folks below weren't happy,
So bought the bird a nappy.
Now folks below stay dry,
No downpours from on high.

There once was a woman from Penge
Whose teeth looked a lot like Stonehenge.
When Penge woman smiled
She hardly beguiled
It was more of a Druids revenge

Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse went into shock
When a cuckoo shot out
And gave him a clout
For running up the wrong clock.

Lets go to bed
And then get wed
I need your love tonight.

No, lets get wed,
Then go to bed,
I'd rather do things right.

A rainy month, like lots before,
It only stops when there's no more.
When clouds have emptied, all rained out,
And then we're told we're in a drought.

I sit indoors and view the rain,
Blown hard against the window pane.
It lashes down, the gardens flood,
I'd mow the lawn, if I but could
Next time a dry day comes around,
But mowers sink on squelchy ground.

I'll mow next week, I'll have to try,
The grass is up to 3 feet high.

My bladder just won't be controlled,
I've problems every time it's cold.
I've pains and piles, my eyesight's gone,
Sometimes I think I can't go on.

I've pills for head and chest and back,
I've pills in case of heart attack.
I'm on a high most every day.
With drud infighting holding sway.

My hearing's gone defective too,
My teeth fall out each time I chew.
My skin has cracks, in every fold
Could it just be I'm getting old.

The other day, I almost died,
I wanted to, I really tried.
I suffer from incessant pain
Which goes, but comes right back again.
Then worsens, getting more intense,
And sympathy is not immense.
So I just went ahead and died,
But not one single person cried.
I've come back, just to write this rhyme.
I'll die again, some other time.

When I was just a schoolboy,
And learning how to kiss.
My lips I'd neatly pucker
For each adoring Miss.

Then coyly lean towards her,
Discretely close my eyes
But never be prepared for,
My moment of surprise.

I'd tilt a little further
The thrill would linger on.
But all too soon fall over,
On finding that she'd gone

Midst serried ranks of wellwishers
A babe is heard to cry.
The church is packed, not one spare pew,
The baptism draws nigh.

"Godparents, please," the vicar says
"All stand to do your bit."
Assorted ne'erdowells arise
In suits that used to fit.

His reverence asks, "Who names this child?"
"I do" a voice replies.
"We're naming him, four poster, sir"
The vicar stood surprised.

In explanation very swift
The voice said he believed
The babys name should be the place,
Where he had been conceived.

The cleric coughed, then said "Ok
Suppose it's up to you.
It's just as well conception
Didn't happen in the loo"

On the telly the man said the death rate's gone down.
I found that quite hard to assess.
As I was so sure everybody dies once,
That's a hundred per cent, more or less.

I called at the doctors
And told of my woes,
Examined was I
From my head to my toes.

His stethoscope bristled
He said "In my view,
My friend, I'm afraid
It's a specialist for you.

Please keep your appointment,
Your end is quite near,
And whatever you do
Don't dare smoke or drink beer.

The specialist's busy
But won't miss a trick,
If you die inbetween times,
Then please ring in sick."

I said "Tell me straight doc,
What does all this mean?"
He said, "If you're going,
You ought to have been.

My considered opinion?
You won't die today.
But don't get excited,
Tomorrow you may.

You'd better make sure
You've clean undies and socks
For when you're laid out
In your imminent box."

I went across to Europe
Flew there through wind and rain.
Uncomfortably cold it was,
Next time I'll go by plane.

I grew a beard and moustache,
In which I always kept
Sweet corn, baked beans and peanuts,
To feed on while I slept

My wife got very angry
That I would sleep and scoff,
When I awoke this morning,
She'd shaved the damned thing off.

I bought my ticket for the boat,
I didn't know she wouldn't float.

The crew cast off, each sturdy rope,
The ageing steamer couldn't cope.

So many waving, stood on deck,
Began the long trans-ocean trek.

We'd only sailed a little way,
Had hardly got out of the bay

When suddenly she struck a rock,
Reverberated with the shock.

Then fell apart like MFI
And not one passenger stayed dry.

I'm a worm
Squiggle squirm.
Living underground.
Long and thin
Make no din,
Not a single sound.

Live my life
Have no wife
Go to bed each night
On my own,
Quite alone
I'm hermaphrodite.

I opened an account
Put in a small amount.
It didn't last too long,
The cheque book proved too strong!!

When I was born
That Sabbath morn,
Mum thought I was a winner.
But poor old dad,
Was awfully sad,
He said I ruined dinner.

I never run
Don't find it fun,
I always amble, slow.
I never race,
A steady pace
Is how I like to go.

Cos If you run
And don't have fun,
I think you ought to know,
You may not lack
A heart attack,
Through rushing to and fro.

I'm in my hutch
Not doing much,
To pass the time away.
'Cept I suppose,
Wiggle my nose
Ten thousand times a day.

There once was a musical cow,
Who made a quite terrible row.
With merely a shudder
Of her copious udder,
Sounding awfully like bagpipes somehow

I noticed a hole in my boat,
It happened in waters remote.
My boat bailing powers
Were good for four hours,
After that, my boat just wouldn't float.

The answer, when the question's asked
How long's a piece of string?
Is different every time it's posed,
Because of one small thing.

Easch time the question's raised, for sure
Some person is confused.
The answer will depend upon
Which piece of string is used.

For some are short and some are long,
It's all a guessing game.
That's why we ask how long they are,
Cos no teo are the same

A crocodile quite lazily
Relaxed beneath a poolside tree.
A native bent to take a drink.
He didn't even stop to think
The crocodile might mean him harm,
The ambience serene and calm.

Then suddenly a mighty bound,
An eerie scream, a chewing sound.
Midst splash and foam and gore and blood,
Those watching on misunderstood,
As it transpired, after a while,
That man had eaten crocodile!!

A spider spun its web near me,
A complicated tapestry.

It wetly sparkled in the light,
Insects, attracted in full flight,
Rushed headlong, ignorant of fate,
Then realised a tad too late,

There'd be no comeback, no appeal,
They'd just become an evening meal.

My hat doesn't fit me,
It isn't my size.
It misses my ears and
Falls over my eyes.

But hold on a moment,
Why does my hat fall?
The hat's not too big,
It's my head that's too small.

Buck rabbit and his mate,
Routinely procreate.
Her time spent on this Earth
Revolves round giving birth.

Her output would appear
To increase year on year.
But soon she's past her best,
And claims eternal rest

I cooked some lunch the other day,
And shared it amongst friends.
We've also shared food poisoning,
My skills, they never end.

I am a vixen fox,
I wear such pretty frocks.
To stimulate fox men,
And lure them to my den.

The object of my plan,
To find a fit fox man,
Who'll claim me for a date,
So we can procreate!!!

Drove to Dover,
I ran over
Hundreds on the way.
Really thrilled,
Umpteen killed,
Satisfying day.

On arriving,
Careless driving
Was the charge I faced.
That's unfair,
I took much care
To hit all those I chased.

My little grandson said to me
"Please grandad take me for a wee"
I said to him, "O k come on",
He said "Too late, already done"

My death could be an awkward time
Depending where I be.
So I've made plans to breathe my last,
Next Sunday, half past three.

I won't need any time off work,
I'll stay at home in bed.
No fuss, no noise, no 999
Just me upstairs, brown bread

I won't take pills
To cure my ills
As with bad health I battle.
If I took pills
To cure my ills
Eventually I'd rattle.

When I was born
My father said
It shocked him to the core.
If that's the best
That we can do
There won't be any more.

And so I was
An only child,
Of siblings had I none.
My dad gave up
Producing kids
His hopes and dreams all gone

I never took to fishing,
I couldn't come to terms.
It never seemed like hunting fish,
But more like drowning worms

I'm a really rotten writer
Writing rubbish randomly.
I receive repeat rejections
And dream unrealistically.

When my really rotten writing
Is rejected readily,
It requires resuscitation
To record recovery.

Should my really rotten writing
Then rehash respectably,
I'd review my reputation
And rejoice repeatedly