I'd like to be an animal,
Looked after by a vet.
And live a life of luxury
As someones pampered pet.

Maybe I'd be a little bird,
Residing on my perch.
I'd always be so well behaved,
And often go to church.

Maybe I'd be a little frog,
In my own heated pool.
With lots of squirmy tadpoles
Who would learn in froggy school.

Maybe I'd be a little cat,
And pedicure my paws.
And brush my fur, and floss my teeth,
Whilst varnisning my claws.

Maybe I'd be a little fish,
And circle round my bowl.
My comfy, fishy life would be
Relaxing, on the whole.

Maybe I'd be a little mouse,
And gorge mysrelf on cheese.
Then waddle round the house all day
Too full to even sneeze.

Maybe I'd be a little dog,
I'd sleep most of each day.
From time to time, I'd up and bark,
To keep riff raff away.

Maybe I'd be a little snake,
Not long, but very thin.
So you could make a handbag
Every time I shed my skin.

I'd like to be an animal,
Be, someones pampered pet.
Cos life as homo sapiens
I haven't mastered yet.

I served as a submariner,
In underwater crew.
But when you're in a submarine,
You can't enjoy the view.

In fact there often isn't one
And when you're deep below,
It's difficult to notice if
There's wind or rain or snow.

Now submarines are nuclear
And sail we know not where,
You can't take out a map and say,
Last Tueusday, we were there.

Their voyages last many months
Of claustrophobic Hell,
Imagine all those feet and pits,
The cumulative smell.

The front door doesn't open when
You're underneath the waves.
Cos if it did, the crew would soon
Be washed to watery graves.

You stealth around for months on end,
Top secret, Mums the word.
The Russians? well they've all gone home,
A while ago they heard,

The Cold War ended years ago,
There's no one left to fight.
Perhaps we're floating aimlessly
Around the Isle of Wight.

Yes, maybe that's just where we are,
But then we'd never know.
Because of lack of windows,
We're quite clueless where we go.

I served as a submariner
In underwater crew.
The one thing you can guarantee,
You won't enjoy the view.

Once upon a time,
When myself was in my prime,
I could do so many things I can't do now.
But now years have hurried by,
All I do is sit and cry,
Over things I just can't do, but do know how.

Vapour trails that scar the sky,
Icy patterns way up high.
Marking movement plane by plane,
Cant be seen when we have rain.

This morning at quarter past nine,
I opened two bottles of wine.
At twenty to one,
The wine was all gone,
I really should plant my own vine!!!

We almost were killed,
I wasn't too thrilled,
The incident put me in shock.
A runaway bus
Ran right into us,
It was running completely amok.

It veered to the right
Then went out of sight,
O'er the crest of a very steep hill.
Shot right through the town,
Without slowing down,
Creating one hell of a bill.

And then came the splash,
The Almighty crash,
As the bus came to rest in the lake.
The driver said "Wow,
I'm resigning right now,
That bus didn't have any brake.

On the day of my creation,
I contracted constipation.
Been like that my whole life through,
Never have I used a loo.

I went to a funeral,
A colleague had died.
Not too many liked him,
So nobody cried.

In fact, to be brutal,
At time of inter,
Myself, me, yours truly
Was the only one there.

The vicar said "Blimey,
Did he have no mates,
Or is there confusion
Regarding the date?

Can't wait, in a hurry,
I need to get on,
Let's hope all his family
Don't come when we've gone."

I had a little rabbit,
I kept him in a hutch.
He spent forever sleeping,
Life wasn't up to much.

Last month I hit the pet shop,
To buy my buck a mate.
I checked the hutch this morning,
And counted twenty eight!!!

I sent some letters through the mail,
I can't remember when.
Cos since I dropped them in the box,
They've not been seen again